Tag Archives: listen

Connection before Correction…

These qualities I wish I had used more consistently is Connection before Correction.

Of course, I didn’t know what this meant as a young mother.

Now we know it is just brain science: children learn (grow, feel safe, thrive) best when they feel connection—or as Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs taught us, “a sense of belonging and significance”.

Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them.

It is a brain (and heart) thing.

🌹Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and first heal the relationship.🌹

Connection creates a sense of safety and openness.

Punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming or shaming create fight, flight, or freeze.

One of my favorite examples of “connection before correction” is, “ I Love You 😍 and the answer is no.”

This example also illustrates the Positive Discipline concept of kind and Down at the same time.

Before sharing more ways to create a connection with children, I want to point out that it is a mistake to think that giving children whatever they want is effective.

Rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting are not good ways to create a connection.

Effective connections are made when both child and adult feel belonging and significance.

Most of the Positive Discipline parenting tools provide skills for creating a connecon.

Simple Techniques..

  • Spend special time with children. What could create a greater connection for your child than to know you enjoy spending time with him or her.
  • Listen. Really listen. Stop doing whatever you are doing and give your child your full attention
  • Validate your child’s feelings. Don’t we all feel connected when we feel understood?
  • Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. Children feel a connection when you respectfully share something about yourself. Respectfully, means no stories about walking miles in the snow.
  • Focus on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period. There is that word “with” again–because it is a golden bridge to connection.
  • Ask curiosity questions to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Sincere questions open the heart and the rational brain—equaling connection.
  • Hugs. There are times when all of us need nothing more than a hug.

Once the connection is made, children are then open to respectful correction.

It is important to understand that “Correction” in the Positive Discipline way is very different from conventional correction.

The biggest difference is that conventional correction usually involves punishment (punitive time-out, grounding, and taking away privileges being the most common).

In other words, conventional correction consists of adults doing something TO children. Positive Discipline correction respectfully involves children whenever possible, finding solutions WITH them.

Two great methods for finding solutions are family meeting and joint problem solving.

These are powerful tools that respectfully involve children to learn and use their personal power in contributing ways.

Connection is created as part of the process.

When children feel a connection, they feel belonging and significance. Often that is enough for misbehavior to stop. As you learn about the many Positive Discipline tools, notice that they are all designed to create a connection before respectful correction.

Tell me More

“Hi Bandana,

2 quick questions for you…

1) Are men really from Mars?

2) Are women from Venus?

I’m sure you’ve heard this reference many times before, and the implication is that we’re so different, men and women might as well be from different planets.

The reality is, we are equal in many respects – especially when it comes to our basic human needs like safety, love, belonging, and our desire to become the most we can be. But we are also different… after all, we are individuals with unique experiences.

This can be seen in how we each think, react, and communicate to the same circumstances.

For example, men tend to communicate through actions rather than words.

This behavior can be traced back to prehistoric times, when men did most of the hunting, providing, and solving challenges. In other words, they proved their worth by taking care of their family.

So when a woman tells a man about a problem, his immediate reaction is to fix it.

This approach can make women feel offended, insulted, or even angry–because women don’t necessarily want men to solve their problem.

Unless they specifically ask for that, what women really want is to be heard and understood. They want men to pay attention and connect with them emotionally.

However, men aren’t intentionally trying to be insulting or offensive. They’re just simply following their instinct and survival methods: “I see a problem, therefore I must help NOW.”

So women, if you find yourself getting irritated by men jumping in to solve a situation, problem or challenge, remember it’s not a statement about you or your abilities.

Men are simply acting on their knee-jerk desire to fix whatever they think is “broken.”

And men, I’d like to teach you 3 powerful words you can use every time a woman opens up to you about a challenge she’s experiencing. Instead of jumping into action, take a deep breath, and say these simple words…

“Tell me more.”

Then, let her know you listened by reflecting back and saying things like, “So what you’re saying is…” or “That must be really frustrating,” or “I can see why you’re upset.”

Now that you know about these differences, think about how you can use this knowledge to communicate more effectively with the opposite sex.

Remember this, Laila , women tend to show intimacy by sharing their feelings, while men tend to express their caring through their actions.”

– from a newsletter of Jack Canfield – Author of many books including Success Principles and How to get from where you are to where you want to be and Chicken soup for the Soul series 🙂

Career, business growth and success affirmations

Career, business growth and success affirmations 

Action leads to positive results, and I love results 

Every action I take moves me closer to my goals 

Great money-making ideas come to me every day  

I always achieve my goals  

I always know which actions will return the greatest rewards and benefits  

I am a brilliant businessman/businesswoman/entrepreneur  

I am a spring of brilliant, profitable ideas  

I am a nurturing and supportive manager and colleague  

I am an excellent speaker and can competently stand up for what I believe

 I am completely at ease taking on new challenges and roles 

 I am confident and capable in all my business dealings 

 I am confident and self-assured in all situations 

 I am dedicated and persistent 

 I am deserving ofa promotion and a raise 

 I am excellent at planning 

 I am good enough for a promotion 

 I am grateful for my career and abilities 

 I am immensely grateful for the wonderful customers that support my business 

 I am powerful and persuasive

 I am respected by my peers and colleagues 

 I am winning the respect and business of new clients every week 

 I believe in myself and my company/employer 

 I can see my dreams and I naturally convert this to the right actions

 I deal with people using integrity and honesty and they recognise this

I demonstrate my commitment to my staff/boss/team 

I do the important things first 

 I have infinite energy to build my company, and the belief to make it successful 

 I have lots of sales and success every day 

I have strong visual ideas of success 

 I know exactly what to say in a job interview to impress the interviewer

 I plan my day and it follows the plan 

I think clearly before I react, even in high-pressure situations 

I thrive under pressure 

I trust myself to do an arnazing job and over-deliver on my clients expectations 

 I trust that all situations arise for a reason, and that reason is always the perfect reason 

 I vibrate success and attract rewarding and profitable clients 

 I am inspired to take action every day 

 My boss respects me 

 My business is growing rapidly

 My communication skills are superb and I convey my meaning with quiet self-assurance 

 My company is competitive and respected 

 My positivity rubs of on my colleagues, managers and direct reports and helps us achieve greater business success

Divine Growth and Expansion
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